Melancholy in the rain…

Today has been an odd day. Perhaps even a little off…

My night was broken up with some restlessness that didn’t feel particularly restless which I filled with meditation nonetheless. In the morning, I wasn’t clear about how many hours of sleep I could count, but I didn’t feel particularly weary. I also didn’t feel particularly sharp.

Rising was a minor general effort, including the catheter change that I’ve done periodically with Greg over the last many years. Greg will be moving on in March regardless of outcomes of the various projects underway and I will need to have a new program in place to cover that particular skilled task.

Our conversation this morning touched briefly on the apparent diffusion of tensions, though certainly not resolution of same, between the US and Iran. We reflected on the tragedy of our leadership today recognizing at the same time our position of privilege to have the education and developmental maturities to critique that mode of being, rather than simply being in it.

On rising I found my computer misbehaving and spent much of the earliest part of my morning, starting at about 9:45 today, troubleshooting and rebooting. Meanwhile the day outdoors was gray and blustery with some breaks of sun and spits of rain. My inner state reflected the moodiness of the weather – not strong, not aggressive, but undertones of fussy.

The red tail hawks I normally enjoy from my window vantage point by the desk sat stationary high in the air today, writing the cold currents of air and observing the valley below. Ordinarily they circle about and drift easily, but today the skies were compelling them to be a bit more practical in their approach.

Coming out of my technical issues, I also found the planned events on my calendar dissolving. One was a meeting with Mike, my osteopath and a creative thought partner for a number of years now. Returning from vacation he was finding himself well under the weather, and in need of a doctor for the first time in 17 years. I’m sending him prayers as I write this.

The other event on the calendar was a review of finances for 2019 and a planned approach for 2020. This engagement seemed a little overly ambitious today given the acute situation of my financial evolution. I’ve been fairly well over what Social Security has to offer and find myself waiting for applications to process to learn what might be done with Medicare and Medi-Cal.

I’ve been enjoying the metaphor lately of falling out of the sky, practicing a maintenance of equanimity as I attempt to build a starship 🛸 with what I have on hand, as well as a crash pad in just the more optimistic effort fails. Either way I won’t know the success of either endeavor until they work or don’t.

With my calendar clear, I could turn my attention to some whimsy. Reading a recent journal entry wherein I appreciated the lighter side of relations with caregivers, Dave suggested overlaying a poem with their image… Remarkably I noted that we have no such image of the group of us together! Instead I decided to play stitch and cobbled together a few words and images into series…

The effort took longer than I expected and I was less happy with the results than I anticipated, but I’ll just talk all of that up to the affect I was manifesting with the day. A personal recipe with just a touch of melancholy mixed with a sprinkle of ennui, blended into a light liquid and poured over a bed of general cheerfulness.

Cassandra came by, and I was unsurprisingly surprised by her arrival, time not exactly in my wheelhouse today. She was able to help me with a few things through my distraction and I enjoyed her skillful hand at a breakfast burrito for lunch.

Following that I attempted to turn my energy to some of the narrative storytelling work that seems important right now. I’ve been writing on the various aspects of the starship vision mandala ( in hopes of creating some surface area to attract the relevant creative partners and resources, from within and without.

Again this ended up being kind of a wash in the afternoon was rather filled with phone calls from friends just reaching out to connect. The pizza (the name this voice typing software gives to Vukica) is now back from her travels in Europe, laid up a bit with a sprained ankle which does thankfully seem to be healing well, and fresh from her pursuit of bigger and better jobs in the pharmaceutical industry. I always enjoy my window on her life as her heart and mind and skills continue to develop and mature. 🙂 With luck she’ll make it by for movie night one of these days.

Just on the tail of that call, Elisa rang in. Back from a successful engagement in Tijuana last week she’s been chasing after the training of her potential successor and had a few moments to catch up while moving between engagements. Both ladies sounded well and happy and chatting with them was a welcome heart space.

I thought again after chatting with Elisa I would focus on getting some work done. For fun I’ll blame the sweet full moon for having other ideas 🌝…

Moments later, Caitlin came in the door, back from her refreshing journey to Sedona. She had Tresa in tow, and the mood shifted to a cheerful storytelling, reunions, and dinner.

I’m just stealing a few moments away from our kitchen cheer to write these words now…


About kabzj

Kabir is a writer, entrepreneur, visionary, and mentor in his 20th year of quadriplegic paralysis. A founding member of the Patient Pioneers at Project Apollo (how we met), graduate of the world-renowned Generating Transformative Change leadership development program with Pacific Integral, and the executive director of Open Field Awakening, he places his deepest embodied prayer and most sincere efforts towards the fruition of realizing an integral, ethical, and practical expression of impact in the world. View all posts by kabzj

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