Tearful full moon…

Waking today began around 3 AM. Roughly 5 hours after dozing off, I was awake and ready to meditate.

My mind was distinctly full of the tension of ambiguity yet I knew and found to be true that turning my attention to my meditation practice would shift that sensation from one of discomfort to a well and clear orientation towards awakening.

After an hour or so of sitting practice, I shifted into resting mode again, though this time not to deep sleep. The rest of the morning was a gentle dance between a liminal does and wakeful worry (distracted thoughts attempting to resolve practical issues). Fortunately I was able to return periodically to meditation to maintain some keel of calm.

Nonetheless, rising felt filled with the spasticity of a restless night. Writing this now 10 hours later I can say I didn’t feel too poorly as a result today.

Once I reached out to Ms. Caitlin, rising was smooth enough, if at times emotional. I’ve been experiencing sensations of loneliness through the current process, recognizing the distance I feel from so many familiar faces in my life. I shared this in the vulnerable early moments of rising and I think it set a lovely tone of intimacy that carried us through the delightful engagements of our morning.

While smooth, rising was also quick once we got going and made our way through a banana breakfast and supplements getting out the door in time for a spacious arrival to the auto body shop appointment. Krishna (2017 Tesla model X) had suffered some cosmetic wounding some weeks before when an electrical conduit in the garage was caught in a Rube Goldberg event with a box and tumbled down onto the car. The mark left was slight, but as selling the car is a distinct possibility, becomes something to manage.

Amato’s auto body is a San Diego staple and we were fortunate in the waiting room to happen upon the original proprietor, Paul Amato. Paul is a real character, a transplant from the East Coast and has a delightful ease in his natural environment. After reviewing our case personally with his employee and presenting us with a generous path forward, he sat with us in the incredibly appointed Art Deco lobby and shared a few lighthearted stories of other cosmetic defects from situations past.

His story reminded me, and I shared, of the time I managed to bring the hood of my dad’s recently restored 1971 Oldsmobile many years ago. Overall, the engagement reminded me of the very best of commercial interactions. I would recommend this shop to anyone.

Having satisfied our morning’s appointment we turned our attentions to a leisurely drive up the coast to drop the dry cleaning at my favorite little seaside shop and taken a bit of our precious ocean view. The day was bright and clear, and the ocean – dare I say, perfect. The waves breaking on the beach were not too big, but just right for the handful of surfers splashing about, beyond that the surface of the ocean was a vast flat expanse of glittering diamonds in the sun. The air was cool, but the sun was warm, creating a generous atmosphere to hold the morning’s vulnerability.

We stopped off at a favorite café for coffee before turning south again to make our way towards home. Caitlin had thought to get a little something at the café, but the lines were daunting. Not far down the road she decided tacos were in order and we made our way to the most popular spot on the Encinitas 101. More lines. Nevermind that! Instead we maneuvered inland to a gas station that was purported to have “great Mexican food,” to test the rumors.

There it was, bordering the freeway, gas, carwash, and taco shop with minimart attached to round all out. Caitlin returns to the car triumphant and we made our way back down the hill to watch the surfers and the glistening ocean waves and take in the little lunch. That was absolutely lackadaisical and medicinal to boot. Caitlin was thrilled with the tacos, I found the burrito to be standard California fare, nothing exceptional but quite passable.

After the respite we made our way home just in time for me to catch up to Dr. Mike for our first conversation since my admittance to the hospital one month previous. Mike and I had a great conversation with him catching me up on his exciting new initiative in Carlsbad and how we might here be invited to participate. He, very generously, have been considering my acute situation and in the midst of countless other things have been looking out for possible opportunities to generate some funds moving in my direction. In a sense this really is just the fire under us to get moving on initiatives we’ve been brewing for years now around home care and well-being.

The conversation was invigorating and gave me strength for the afternoon to turn again to my practical analysis of the moment (Practical Concerns 2.docx) and other relevant clerical business.

It’s remarkable to me how at peace I can feel in the midst of my current situational uncertainties, yet at the same time notice certain qualities of persistent distress surfacing like currents in the ocean. I guess that’s it, nothing black, nothing white, everything the rippling, shimmering play of deep depths and rays of sunlight…


About kabzj

Kabir is a writer, entrepreneur, visionary, and mentor in his 20th year of quadriplegic paralysis. A founding member of the Patient Pioneers at Project Apollo (how we met), graduate of the world-renowned Generating Transformative Change leadership development program with Pacific Integral, and the executive director of Open Field Awakening, he places his deepest embodied prayer and most sincere efforts towards the fruition of realizing an integral, ethical, and practical expression of impact in the world. View all posts by kabzj

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: